What is home? I have thought about this so many times in the past years. I was pretty sure of the answer though. Then there was that day when I thought I was packing up and going “back” to visit home. And there right then in that moment, I should have known better than to want things this badly. Who does that? Right? I mean come on this is real life.
So, as usual, jolt of reality. “Home” is not a place. Someone like me should have completely and totally grasped this idea by now. I have lived in so many places and traveled so much during my life that if anyone should have this lesson committed to their brain, it should be me. However, doesn’t everyone have that one place that they refuse to let go of? Yeah I have a place like that too. No matter what happens or how much I travel, or how many new and unique places I explore it will always be home. I went back there hoping to find that place and those people.
Of course things had changed. I was prepared for that. Those changes are what have brought me to my computer today. I had debated for a long time how to express my feelings about all this. I knew I had to. I knew I had to talk about life happening to us no matter how much we want it to hold still. As much as I move around, I find that the message of what’s real and what’s just only getting moved around with us gets lost. I was looking forward to going home to get grounded again. To gain some perspective for when I came back. Start fresh after seeing everyone I cared about and realizing that life moves on, things change but you stay true to who you are. It doesn’t stand still but there’s always a place for you when it gets too much and when you need to take a breather. All I needed was that reassurance.
See, us humans we are designed that way. Always needing a safety net. Right now I am living without anything. Right now Im on the edge, one wrong move and it feels like everything will fall apart. Or maybe, just maybe, I have already made all the wrong moves. At this point I have no idea. The uncertainties are just too great in my life at this time. I wanted my safety net back.
Are you curious to know what I found when I got there? What became of my safety net? Well, I think Im glad to report that I don’t have one anymore. Its better this way. Houston is still home. The smell of the street, the look of the buildings is still going to take me back again and again. But I have nothing to fall back on. It turns out it wasn’t the streets I was going back for. Surprised? Yeah me too. Now I wonder what do I have left? Nothing really? I think about that and it scares the living daylights out of me. I think about telling my kids stories of my childhood. Of things I did with people and places and it feels like it was all an illusion, a lie. I don’t want to tell them stories about things that were so easily destroyed. What do I teach them of the world? What do I tell them of what the world is? What home is? Is home just their house? Is everything outside of that not to be trusted?
All wasn’t lost. It was Houston, and I was there. That was good enough! Good time was had. I am grateful to a handful few that showed up to the party that is me, and my crazy family and partied with us. For those of my family members that were with me, dude we did party in that tiny little apartment, didn’t we? Haha. That was sarcasm. I am so thankful for you guys. I wish I could see you guys again and hug you even tighter because now that things are becoming clearer I am realizing what a blessing it was to have you by our side.
The lesson? Because there always has to be a lesson, right? No lesson. Just that people suck and I needed to vent. Life’s full of surprises. You take what you get and move on. Enough clichés for you? My life is not a “lesson learned” kind of thing most of the time. I learn one lesson and then in the next breath I unlearn that lesson to learn a completely new one that goes against everything I knew or understood. All I know is; keep moving. My home is in me. That’s it. That is what’s came out from all of this. Home is not a place or a city or a country, it’s wherever I am.
The next automatic question becomes whom do I count on? What do I teach my children? I was pretty confident that there were a few people in my life I could teach my kids to trust and believe in. I am not so sure anymore. Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe some mysteries we cant solve for our kids. We just need to make them strong enough to deal with situations and then let them go. Im hoping they can find a home strong enough in me to return to after every disappointment. I only wish I had such a place. For them home is wherever I am.
To Whom It May Concern 