Month: June 2019

Hey guys, so I was going to just hit record and say all of this but I didn’t feel like washing my face this morning because its a Sunday, besides typing things without showing my face seems much easier for me. My face has so much that gets hidden behind the words that the camera just bares all to see. That precisely why I’m here typing/ talking right now to all of you. I’ve had a lot of asks to start writing about ”how to” kind of blog. People tell me to write about how to lose weight. Write about overcoming depression, and anxiety and living the life I do now.

They tell me to write about not being able to have kids for so long in a society where a woman primary function is to reproduce. I hear, ”give other people hope”. I really want to give people hope. In the process I also want to keep it real. I struggle with this every day of my life. The problem has always been that I don’t think hope is that simple, just like the struggle; it doesn’t just end one day. The fight doesn’t just stop. You don’t magically come out of your problems, and become this new person. If I say I tried this new wonderful exercise and lost weight and look how great I am now I give hope to many but it’s a false hope. I know the struggles, and fears I still have related to weight. It is far from over. Probably never will be. Worrying about weight, worrying about how people saw me, still see me, how their perception changes with each pound that goes up and down.

My Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) is a roller coaster. I have not conquered it. I don’t hide from it. I don’t run from it. Talking about it makes me vulnerable, and it sucks to be this exposed. I am fighting every day. I have not ”overcome” anything. When I’m asked to write about what I’ve ”accomplished” it feels like the false hope that’s going around social media with those smiling faces, smoke screens, if you will. We have enough of those. I don’t want to add to that. Let’s not even get started on the mental health issues.

Let’s be clear. There are some people who have been a very positive message of health an positive change, without them maybe I would not be able to get out of bed in the morning. However, those are very few. As a mom we need real. We need a call, a hug, we need a person we trust telling us we are doing great today and its okay to not have a perfect day.

Despite all that you can be honestly, truly happy. Sometimes not being that, just taking it moment by moment, day by day, week by week is completely normal.

Sometimes my messages may come out a bit too cynical but this is the intention. I’m just trying to tell people its okay to be normal. We don’t have to be overachiever every day.

Some days achieving is overachieving. We don’t all have to move mountains. Little pebbles is just as great. My pebble is my mountain. Appreciate.

Here is what I want to do: I want to be that person who creates the safe space. I want to be that person who shows people that their ”before” and ”after” picture will vary every day.

I’ve lost 120 pounds and I look like so many health guru’s before pic. It is heartbreaking at times but then most days I LOVE that I got myself here.

You will be beautiful one day and ugly the next. That doesn’t diminish you. It’s okay to want to sleep all day and want to change the world at the same time. Be human. Be you. Forgive yourself every day.

Updates coming soon.

#skindeep #asfarasclichesgo #iseeyou #beseen #justme #justus #allofus #afterall #lifeinanutshell #loveyourself #loveforall #unconditional #momproblems #momsofinstagram #parentsofinstagram #instagrammom #letsworktogether #beauty #smokescreen #professionalscribbler

Every occasion is special for a reason. We celebrate because there is something to celebrate. And then there are those who celebrate because there is nothing else to do. What of those? They are stuck between everyone else. Trying to find a reason to smile looking for a reason to smile because they are constantly being told they don’t have a reason to frown. This has been said, and this has been discussed so many times but has this been seen by those who need to see it? Observe it? Are you noticing when I tell you I don’t want you to tell me that, “everything is okay” because that’s how you feel? My loss is not the same as yours. My pain is not the same as yours. I can laugh with you, hell, I can even be happy for you when you celebrate, what I can’t do is KNOW that it will be okay. At least not today. I want you to understand that. Yes, you. I want you to know that. You claim to know me and love me, yet you chastise me for my pain. You chastise me for the lack of that smile on my face. You claim to understand what it’s like to have that darkness that eats away at your insides until it’s just a black hole but when I can’t muster up that song and dance in the moment, I need to work on my attitude?

I am selfish. I want to be selfish. Not because I don’t care, because I can’t care. Because that hole has eaten at that too. Trying to care is like spilling guts and blood I don’t have anymore.

Whew! That was fun.

Next time you ask someone to be happy and just take a minute away from their problems to live a little think about this.

There is so much more to say about this,  but this is no time for darkness. After all it is Eid, why be so Grimm, right?

 

After thought: There is so much that’s happening to us every moment. Our lives are being turned upside down. These things don’t disappear because it’s Eid or some other holiday we hold dear. In fact, these things are tenfold staring us in the face, and brighter because of these days. Please remember so many of us are going through this alone. So many of us are ”celebrating” without those that we have never been without. So many of us are trying to find our way in a new world with new beginnings taking on completely unchartered paths. It will take us a while to smile like we used to. We will all get there; we all need you to be patient and  remember.Remember and know. Be mindful.

Realize that months, years, celebrations, holidays all come and go but there are some things that cannot be altered, some things cannot be controlled. Human life, human emotions and  the fragility of human condition; be it emotional or physical is beyond us. Please give everyone, including yourself time to process and let it be. From those of us who face all of these every day, we are not trying to ruin your celebrations or holidays. We are trying our best to navigate our everyday life  that we feel is  slipping away.  Realize and remember.The emotions attached to traumas, life changing events, and mental conditions do not take a break for any day.

Happy Eid y’all!