Month: December 2019

Hi folks, so I have about an hour left in this year, this decade of ours. By the time I get around to posting this, it will be a brand new decade. We will all have new faces, flying cars, and all those other fun things that always come with the new year.

My day started typically, as usually, kids came downstairs for their morning cuddles, the only thing I can handle before my coffee.

Then the afternoon was just utter chaos, even more than usual. My husband goes off to where ever he goes 2 to 3 times a month, and every time he packs, he rushes like he’s never been on a trip before. The whole house has to be on a standstill. We all, especially me, have to stop all other activities and pay full attention to his packing and his needs. So much for being a strong, independent male who can take care of himself, right? So, my biggest accomplishment today was putting that husband of mine on that plane. Well, he didn’t come back, so I’m hoping he’s on the plane. The second significant accomplishment of the day; getting the kids to bed before someone seriously got hurt. My feelings don’t count.

Finally, after finishing all the other work and jobs that can only be done after everyone goes to bed, I’m here sitting pouring out my thoughts while I wait for my pizza. I just realized I didn’t have dinner. I plain forgot. Now, I’m too tired and cold to get out of bed to make something or even warm something up. So pizza delivery it is. Being a mother plus wife who works is hard, but it has its little pleasures like when you allow yourself the hot pizza with the side of wings because you know you’re justified in not wanting to get out of bed. Always look at the bright side. Isn’t that what people say when they are trying to be positive about the future? This new year I will be more positive about life.

All in all, it was a normal day, which is about to get better with pizza. However, it seems it was not so normal. This is the cap on my 4th decade. You would think I would have learned a thing or two. You would think I would be making resolutions left and right.

You would think I would be thinking more of this.

Here we are, though. It’s night. Tomorrow it will be daylight, Another of many.

There will be no magic in the sky. My kids will come and get a cuddle and go for breakfast. Our day will go on. I might make gummy slime with them, so that’s something we didn’t do today. If we end up doing that, you will hear about it.

Where is the lesson? Here it is. We will not wake up to anything largely different. We will not wake up to a shinier sky. We will wake up to exactly who we are right now. The lesson is not in making promises and continuously looking ahead. I believe the lesson is in the now. Lesson is staying focused.

I’m not against making resolutions or changes in life because, of course, we have to keep bettering ourselves, and we do change whether we want to or like to or not. But timeline means nothing. I will evolve I need to, and I should wish to, however this decade, the past one, none of it means anything. I still feel like it’s the 90s because I rock to Pearl Jam on the regular. Judge me if you must, but does that mean it’s 20 years ago or…when even was “the 90s”?

I’m me. Growing, every day. Changing into different people, achieving strengths and goals that I never thought possible.

Nothing was sudden, though. A date on the calendar decided by someone else shouldn’t mean anything. You can decide on your date. First, determine who you are right now is terrific.

Because do you remember 5 years ago? Oh my GOD, that was a mess, right? And then that strange situation happened. Maybe 6 months earlier. You never thought you’d be here. You were strong, so brave. All of that in you and you underestimate yourself like you need to morph into something else completely to be better. You are ”better.” Believe that before, hold onto what it is.

The change, the promises will come, not this year, not this decade, not now but over your life because that’s what life is about. Life is about growth, subtle decisions.

So if you wake up tomorrow and your face looks the same and all those little flaws you’ve been keeping a tab on to fix next year are still there, and the sky is not golden, and there are no shooting stars or flying cars then count your blessings and be patient.

The one thing I have learned in my decades on this planet and that I’m positively sure of is that we will surely miss it when it is gone. Whatever it is, we will want it back. Cherish it.

My happy is not your happy. My shining sun is your rain pouring and cloudy skies all around. Doesn’t matter how much we like each other, or how well we get along. People are just different. You’ve heard that before haven’t you? You’ve felt that about people you are the closest to, you’ve felt the exact same feeling from the person you can’t stand. However, HOWEVER, you have chosen to think, “he or she I love so I’ll try to make it work. Same faults on another, unacceptable. “How dare you madame, insult me by disliking sunshine. It is a blessing from our lord and savior. I can never be in your company ever again”. Have you not yourself tried dancing in the rain for someone you love just to understand them? Not to turn away from the sunshine forever, but just so that person stays in your life? I know you have. That is the sign of a strong person. A brave person. Do that for those you don’t love. Do that for yourself sometime.

Would you ever let yourself? Forgive yourself? We do that. Make mistakes. Humans, all of us. Good or bad. Just people, flesh and blood. Moments’ decisions based on emotions. Not based on you or me, based only on personal needs and usually moments’ pleasures. Mistakes. Almost never about you or me. Then again sometimes it is about you or me.

I lost my tangent, we were talking about forgiving ourselves. Could you please?

I haven’t. How could have I done this? I could have lived better. Tried harder. People say, “but why didn’t you, why did you let them..” I can’t answer those questions so I wonder myself, how I could let this happen? What a miserable human being I have turned out to be. Right, so that’s the drama queen in me talking but sometimes those emotions are real too. I made myself miserable, and now what? I could blame the whole world but I had a choice, I had the option to walk away from all of it. I didn’t. Now what?

There’s the big question; now what? Could you forgive? Could you at least try? Would you even want to? That would make things harder, in a manner. That would make you even more accountable. Separate fiction from fact. You’d have to know exactly what you did to yourself. You’d have to own up before forgiving. You would also have to realize that most of it was done TO YOU. Most of it was not in your control. You would realize that fear is literally paralyzing. You would find out that when a loved ones’ life or emotions are on the line you give up. You quietly, willingly walk away from what you have longed for because hurting them sounds way worse. You might blame yourself later but at that moment, that’s the right move. Forgive yourself for caring. Forgive yourself for being scared. Forgive yourself for your humanity. Forgive yourself for wanting to know what peace looks like. In a slight moment, we make decisions because we want the voices in our heads to go away. Some scream it, some find quieter ways. Some of us find our guiding light late. We all find it eventually. Nobody is left alone.

It all starts with forgiveness, whether it’s HIS or your own. Start with FORGIVENESS!