My happy is not your happy. My shining sun is your rain pouring and cloudy skies all around. Doesn’t matter how much we like each other, or how well we get along. People are just different. You’ve heard that before haven’t you? You’ve felt that about people you are the closest to, you’ve felt the exact same feeling from the person you can’t stand. However, HOWEVER, you have chosen to think, “he or she I love so I’ll try to make it work. Same faults on another, unacceptable. “How dare you madame, insult me by disliking sunshine. It is a blessing from our lord and savior. I can never be in your company ever again”. Have you not yourself tried dancing in the rain for someone you love just to understand them? Not to turn away from the sunshine forever, but just so that person stays in your life? I know you have. That is the sign of a strong person. A brave person. Do that for those you don’t love. Do that for yourself sometime.
Would you ever let yourself? Forgive yourself? We do that. Make mistakes. Humans, all of us. Good or bad. Just people, flesh and blood. Moments’ decisions based on emotions. Not based on you or me, based only on personal needs and usually moments’ pleasures. Mistakes. Almost never about you or me. Then again sometimes it is about you or me.
I lost my tangent, we were talking about forgiving ourselves. Could you please?
I haven’t. How could have I done this? I could have lived better. Tried harder. People say, “but why didn’t you, why did you let them..” I can’t answer those questions so I wonder myself, how I could let this happen? What a miserable human being I have turned out to be. Right, so that’s the drama queen in me talking but sometimes those emotions are real too. I made myself miserable, and now what? I could blame the whole world but I had a choice, I had the option to walk away from all of it. I didn’t. Now what?
There’s the big question; now what? Could you forgive? Could you at least try? Would you even want to? That would make things harder, in a manner. That would make you even more accountable. Separate fiction from fact. You’d have to know exactly what you did to yourself. You’d have to own up before forgiving. You would also have to realize that most of it was done TO YOU. Most of it was not in your control. You would realize that fear is literally paralyzing. You would find out that when a loved ones’ life or emotions are on the line you give up. You quietly, willingly walk away from what you have longed for because hurting them sounds way worse. You might blame yourself later but at that moment, that’s the right move. Forgive yourself for caring. Forgive yourself for being scared. Forgive yourself for your humanity. Forgive yourself for wanting to know what peace looks like. In a slight moment, we make decisions because we want the voices in our heads to go away. Some scream it, some find quieter ways. Some of us find our guiding light late. We all find it eventually. Nobody is left alone.
It all starts with forgiveness, whether it’s HIS or your own. Start with FORGIVENESS!