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My Nonsense

Okay, so my life just took a shitty turn guys. You get to a point where you think you’ve lived through the drama, and that stuff doesn’t bother you. You tell it to bugger off. At this point in my life, I thought my job was to help other people with my drama-filled experienced. Here I am, though, completed kicked in the knees by my past and present. I’m sitting here thinking, “I have done this. I HAVE DONE THIS SO DAMN MANY TIMES.” This should not rattle me. This is new, though. In some weird, unknown way, this is new. This repeats on me, why? How? I’d like to think through no fault of my own, but it repeats continuously. Today, right now, it has a tanginess, and I cannot explain.

Today, this day. I never thought I would have to deal with this. I should have thought better. Known better. I don’t understand why this is even important. I am one of those people who take things. I don’t go around being emotional and illogical about issues. I think, and then I decide what my move will be. Today, I thought and then I decided I just don’t want to deal.

My entire life has been dealing with something like this. Y’all know what I’m talking about? I know you’ve been there.

When people won’t cut you a break, and you know they know they should. Yeah, that. I’m worn out by the drama that’s always been here and I’ve always been prepared for it.

I think its because I am not ready to hold my tongue, or my fists for that matter. Been doing that for far too long. Feels good to admit that.

Violence is bad kids.

Sidenote: a long time someone in Turkey gave me a crown made of roses and I pretended to be a princess for the rest of the day.

Thank you for listening to my nonsense.

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

Amber Heard: from a simple actor to a teachable moment in time

He is poised. He knows what he wants to convey. His message is clear. His voice does not break. His face stays smooth and precise as he speaks plainly and clearly. He takes his time because he might not get this chance again. He understands he might not get this opportunity again. He has a captive audience. So he wants to make sure he is heard; at times, it’s clear that he is pained. It is apparent that he is struggling to find the words, but he keeps his composure. The thoughts are all very organized in his head. He recalls painful and disturbing memories. He is talking about the time when his mother emotionally, verbally, and physically abused him and his siblings. He is talking about the time when his father abandoned him. Throughout all of it, he stays resolute. This time the story will be told, and one can almost feel that resolution coursing through his whole body. There is a determination in him. You can’t miss it.

He goes into detail about how his wife ruined his life. She tore him to pieces. She brought him to a point where he was willing to let her end him. He goes into gut-wrenching detail without shedding a tear. Sometimes, however, we see him hang his head and hide his face. Very few times do we see him disappear within himself. Only then would we know this is too much for him. You see, men are strong and polished. They can keep their emotions in check. That’s class. That’s a man. That is what we are thinking, aren’t we? We would accept him even if he cried or was a broken shell of a man. However, we like this version better; this confident, in control going over every detail in excruciating detail without shedding a single tear kind of man.

And he’s funny. While attempting to prove that his wife abused him, he makes endearing jokes that make people love him more. Most people see a funny, sweet man who was wrongly accused of something he didn’t do. I think we are watching a genius at play; I’m in awe of him. Well played, Johnny; you have proved what I’ve always known to be true. This is not about taking sides or believing one party over the other. There is a point to this, I assure you.

She talks about how she couldn’t wait to get out of her parents’ home because of how things were for her. She doesn’t have to tell us anything. Her face, you see. It should give it all away. Her jaw tightens. Her eyebrows crumple. We know her house was not a pleasant home for us. We could turn off the volume and watch her face, and we would know she is in distress. She is not happy. She is jittery and uncomfortable. Why wouldn’t she be? She is recalling a difficult time in her life.

She goes on to talk about the torture her husband put her through. All of that physical, sexual and emotional abuse is just beyond imaginable. We can sense her discomfort. We are watching her relive the pain, the agony. She imagines the blood, the mess, the pain. The shattered glass everywhere. It’s written all over her face. At least it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be etched in her body, eyes, and every word. We should hear it in her broken words. In her tearless eyes because she is all cried out. We should feel it in her emotionless face because she has nothing left to give us.
Her words are broken. She doesn’t want to recall what she’s been asked to. The fractured thoughts, and the blocked painful memories, are too much to be remembered like a flawless story. How do you, after all this, string along perfect sentences when all you have are splintered moments that you lived half-awake inside your head, especially when asked to in front of strangers and the man who put you through it all?

The problem with this very high-profile case is that her every move, every flinch of the eye or the nose, and every shake of the head is being scrutinized. Rightly so or not is irrelevant for this article. What are we seeing now? We are seeing nothing. Are we watching a woman broken, nothing left to give, nothing left to tell because it’s all been said and done to her? Or are we watching a liar and a terrible actor who is trying to accuse an innocent man?
Im not concerned with two people’s truths because that’s their personal business. This became our business when she became a target for every person, mostly men to judge and accuse which set women back decades if not centuries. When one is put in a position to defend one’s self against someone who has been hurting them in such a way it is difficult to prove all the pain and all the agony. It is difficult to prove every single truth that you have experienced because you experienced it alone. Her innocence or guilt doesn’t matter, however, the next woman who goes on the stand an acts just like her, her innocence will matter. Her words will be broken. She will shake her head in confusion and un-surety just like Heard and we will call back to this day and say remember when Amber Heard acted this way.

There will be a woman who will be all out of tears because she will be cried out. We will call back and say, remember when Amber Heard tried to shed crocodile tears? New information will come to light because a woman was afraid to speak it before and they will be called liars because she might be lying right now. On top of that Heard was questioned by a woman. At the heart of it, a woman had to prove another woman’s guilt, did no one see the irony in that? Did anyone else find it extremely damaging to the cause of sisterhood and solidarity? Was it just me who felt like we are selling ourselves out by revering this extremely intelligent woman for bringing one of our own to her knees? Sure its her job, sure it had to be done but the way we are celebrating all of it is just not what we, as humans and as women should be doing. It sickens me to my soul.

Standing up against Amber Heard is standing up for the rights of women to speak their truth without the fear of being called a liar or whatever else she’s being called right now. I don’t think Depp is innocent of everything but I do believe Heard is guilty of much more than domestic abuse. She has tried to hitch a ride on the backs of all those broken and hurt women who will now suffer and be denied because of her.

Where it all started. I wonder where his life would be today had he not made the one decision to hire her for this role.

I am happy she has been exposed but my heart is hurting for the way she is the only one who is being judged and hated upon and Johnny Depp is not being questioned for any of his bad behavior by the public. Not that I condone anyone being judged by random people on the internet (unless they are me of course). The difference is extremely noticeable and disturbing.
And I say all this as an absolute Johnny Depp fan since I was a teeny tiny teen. I am also a woman who believes in women and this is absolutely not about who is on the right side of this particular case, its about where we take our humanity and how far we go with our judgements of individuals after this is over.

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

Happy 9th Birthday

Time flies they say. Not when you’re raising two pre-tween children. Days go by in a frenzy of school assignments, tests, homework’s, pranks, fights, cuddles and threats of taking away one privilege or another if they don’t do what they’re told.

Weeks, months and years are a totally different story. They are stretched out. Never ending. As parents we are in awe of these creatures who are learning, adapting and finding out about the world with or without our help. Every day is brand new for them even if it feels the same for us.

They absolutely don’t take growing up for granted, they cherish it and make sure we remember how special it is to be a certain age. Today my younger son turned nine years old. The whole day I was thinking about when I was nine. My mom never celebrated birthdays, so I’m not really big on celebrating bdays either but what I’m in favor of is letting the kids feel important once in a while. Letting them feel as though they are the center of our lives at least once a year. Because let’s face it, they are not the center of anything every day, and they will not be for the world and even for us no matter how much we love them. And we do love them fiercely.

Thank you @ganache_by_madiha for always coming through with the most amazing gluten free cake at the last minute for my brat.

#birthday #happybirthday #myboys #lovemyboys #lifelessons #lifegoesby #bdaycake #mommyblogger #parentofinstagram #professionalscribbler #towhomitmayconcern

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

The Message

Whenever I read the Quran I make sure to read the Tafseer to really try and understand what Allah has tried to tell us or teach us here. Surah Furqan was revealed in Maccah at a time of great famine and a time when The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was facing a lot of abuse physical but mostly verbal.

We know that his family and the rich had cut them off so I’m sure the threat of being hungry and homeless along with the insults that they were throwing at him and his companions would have been heartbreaking for the Prophet (PBUH).

Y’all know I don’t post this kind of stuff because I like to keep my religion close to my heart for many reasons. However, some things jump at you and you just know they have to be said out loud. This is one of those times.

I had a particularly difficult week last week. This also affected some of the closest people to me. People that I would give anything for, short of my life. Well, I might consider my life too under some circumstances.

I was traveling back from being with them. On the plane, I opened up my Quran app and just clicked on a random surah to listen to. I landed on Surah Furqan. Furqan means the Criterion, ‘between good and evil’. Right and wrong. It starts out comforting the Prophet (PBUH) and telling him that Allah is in charge of everything and that the ones who are hurting the Prophet (PBUH) are cowards. Evildoers are always cowards.

These ayas especially spoke to me. I was coming back full of worry about the future, I was worried about some of the exact things Allah had mentioned in that Surah. I was hurt and disturbed, and extremely angry about the insults and humiliation we were having to endure for absolutely doing the right thing. I am usually not this cocky, I know anyone can make mistakes but this time whatever started this mess was not any kind of mistake. It was pure vengeance and hate from others. I Wouldn’t be able to tell you why even if I wanted to.

Reading this calmed me. This was the reassurance I needed. If we have that Being looking out for us, raising us up, and taking care of us then what harm can one or two or three humans bring to us? And even if they succeed, for how long? Judgment comes soon enough, whether in this world or not. I make Duaa that Allah gives everyone Hidayat because that judgment is not a thing anyone wants to face. I make Duaa that I never find myself feeling above any person and keep Rehm in my heart for Allah’s creation.

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

FemmeIcon

As women, especially working women we feel we miss out on so much of the Ibadah. We have always been made to feel guilty for not praying or worshiping a certain way. But when we try we are called out on neglecting our responsibilities as a woman. Let’s talk about what is the right balance, do we even need a balance? Are there limits or are we just creating them?
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April 2nd SATURDAY
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# #instagram #ramadanlessons #womenandubadah #periodsandfasting #childrenandramadan #housework #readingtheQuranduringperiod #openeducation #opendiscussion

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

The Feeling

Anger always has a feeling behind it. Find it. Deal with it. Usually it’s sadness and grief. Loss of a loved one. Loss of time. Loss of a lie that gave us comfort. Sit with your feelings before reacting, they might be absolutely valid, however when they come out as anger we may not find a single friend in the world.

#hardtruth #reality #anger #validbutnotokay #giveyourselfgrace #sitwithit #longroadahead #dealwithit #momlessonoftheday #towhomitmayconcern #professionalscribbler

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

Found

I have seen those who claim to be “found” and enlightened. I pray to God I never become like those. If history is any evidence, I would much rather be “lost” and enjoy my life with the dignity it brings.
You are welcome to join me, I usually have cheesecake! 🙂

bornlost #borntofindmupurpose #historyrepeats #dignityofbeinghuman #beinglost #nopleasureinbeingfound #keepthestrength #proffessionalscribbler #towhomitmayconcern

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

Keep Chasing It

I have been chasing happiness for as long as I can remember. I do remember being happy. I also remember being extremely unhappy. What I don’t remember is true happiness. So I chase it. It’s right here, within reach. However the second I lose sight of it I forget that I am happy and that my happiness is all around me. So I chase it.

 

The moments that I cannot escape are my happiness. My children, the running, laughing, with stars in their eyes and always a spring in their step miracles; they are my happiness. Then I watch them run into a distance and my heart is restless. So I chase that feeling I had a few moments ago. I am unsure, there is a certain uneasiness in my soul. I have often wondered if I ever loved someone or something as fearlessly and mercilessly as I do my children. I have wondered what I did with my worries and my heart before they came along. 

Grankids through niblings: these little monsters will soon take over. We are ready.

 

I remember that there has been plenty of happiness to chase. My mind has never been free of the burden of loving mercilessly. My soul has Survived darkness because of the happiness these hearts brought me.

Time doesn’t stop or slow down for anyone. As I hold on to my boys and my hearts I realize the sky is filling up with stars shining just as brightly as the ones I’m holding on to.  

Nieces: Ladies in Red

Time is ever-flowing. Yes. It does, however,  give chances; second, third, love will grow in numbers, hearts, in stars, if you let it.

 Let it.

Cousins and lifelong friends in the making

There is no happiness, there is no permanent joy. There are only moments. Find them. There are only those we love, we have to let them create memories their memories for us. We have to let them chase their own happiness so they can keep filling the sky with stars brighter than the sun and as fierce and free as love itself.

Siblings: is there a stronger bond?

So keep chasing happiness.

 

Posted in Travel, Parenting, Lifestyle.

Just Say It.

Learn to say NO. The only way to show love and care for others is not to give of yourself until you have burnt out. Tell them that it’s not a good time. Explain the extent of your situation to them. If you are afraid that they will be upset then that right there should be a red flag to a toxic relationship. If the fear is in your head and you have never tried to tell them how you feel then try it, you might find them more supportive than you’re giving them credit.
Either way, your sanity is important. Any relationship has to be two-ways to be a healthy one. If the expectations are leaning too much in any one direction, toxicity will eventually create problems.
The general understanding should be that no means no under any circumstance, in any type of relationship without hesitation.

speakup #beyou #wematter #sayno #nomeansno #bereal #keepmoving #kindnessisnotaweakness #helpyourself #bestrong #speakup #no #toxicfree #iamnotarobot #noguilttrips #relationshipstruggles #towhomitmayconcern #professionalscribbler