Hey guys, so I was going to just hit record and say all of this but I didn’t feel like washing my face this morning because its a Sunday, besides typing things without showing my face seems much easier for me. My face has so much that gets hidden behind the words that the camera just bares all to see. That precisely why I’m here typing/ talking right now to all of you. I’ve had a lot of asks to start writing about ”how to” kind of blog. People tell me to write about how to lose weight. Write about overcoming depression, and anxiety and living the life I do now.
They tell me to write about not being able to have kids for so long in a society where a woman primary function is to reproduce. I hear, ”give other people hope”. I really want to give people hope. In the process I also want to keep it real. I struggle with this every day of my life. The problem has always been that I don’t think hope is that simple, just like the struggle; it doesn’t just end one day. The fight doesn’t just stop. You don’t magically come out of your problems, and become this new person. If I say I tried this new wonderful exercise and lost weight and look how great I am now I give hope to many but it’s a false hope. I know the struggles, and fears I still have related to weight. It is far from over. Probably never will be. Worrying about weight, worrying about how people saw me, still see me, how their perception changes with each pound that goes up and down.
My Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) is a roller coaster. I have not conquered it. I don’t hide from it. I don’t run from it. Talking about it makes me vulnerable, and it sucks to be this exposed. I am fighting every day. I have not ”overcome” anything. When I’m asked to write about what I’ve ”accomplished” it feels like the false hope that’s going around social media with those smiling faces, smoke screens, if you will. We have enough of those. I don’t want to add to that. Let’s not even get started on the mental health issues.
Let’s be clear. There are some people who have been a very positive message of health an positive change, without them maybe I would not be able to get out of bed in the morning. However, those are very few. As a mom we need real. We need a call, a hug, we need a person we trust telling us we are doing great today and its okay to not have a perfect day.
Despite all that you can be honestly, truly happy. Sometimes not being that, just taking it moment by moment, day by day, week by week is completely normal.
Sometimes my messages may come out a bit too cynical but this is the intention. I’m just trying to tell people its okay to be normal. We don’t have to be overachiever every day.
Some days achieving is overachieving. We don’t all have to move mountains. Little pebbles is just as great. My pebble is my mountain. Appreciate.
Here is what I want to do: I want to be that person who creates the safe space. I want to be that person who shows people that their ”before” and ”after” picture will vary every day.
I’ve lost 120 pounds and I look like so many health guru’s before pic. It is heartbreaking at times but then most days I LOVE that I got myself here.
You will be beautiful one day and ugly the next. That doesn’t diminish you. It’s okay to want to sleep all day and want to change the world at the same time. Be human. Be you. Forgive yourself every day.
Updates coming soon.
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