Listen kid; I love you. You are me, reincarnate. Nobody else could have made me feel this incompetent and challenge my every sense to this extent. Nobody. Nobody could love me this much either. This wholly and unconditionally. You make me hurt to the point that I cannot comprehend it myself sometimes. I’m on my knees. Literally on my knees. You’ve lost something under the sofa or the bed or some other place, apparently I’m the only one whose around that can do the bending, sitting, standing, or whatever seems to be the most painful task of the moment. Most of the times, I got you covered kid. Sometimes though, geez, hit the pause button, would ya?
Like I said, I love you more than existence itself, but you’re not very like-able all the damn time. For example, right now. What is the need to jump on your brother’s side of the bed while brushing your teeth? WHAT? Just WHAT? I don’t like it. He’s screaming to tell you that he will not sleep on his bed after you have sprinkled your teeth goo on it, and I’m screaming for you to get off the bed, and you’re just jumping away. So, I ask the question; which I have asked in our many conversations during evaluations of situations like these, “when you are getting so much positive attention, why look for negative attention?” I’m here, I’m talking to you, I’m spending time with you. So why turn it into me raising my voice or speaking in a negative tone? It’s better when we are ALL having fun. Isn’t it?”
We’re cut from the same cloth, you and I. I do get it. I am your mother, however. I also need you to stop it right this second and go brush your teeth in front of the sink, or your black-panther superhero doll disappears. Ah! That’s better.
Sometimes love and understanding is not enough.
My solace in all this, you can take care of yourself and then some. The world is not patient. The world will teach tough lessons. The toughest, harshest situation you have to deal with right now is me telling you playtime is over. The worst evil deed under your belt is breaking your brother’s lego plane, which he took hours making, and maybe throwing stuff at his too. Kid, the world will teach you some real evil tricks so I like that you can hold your own. I like that you can break shit when you’re angry. I also like that you can count to ten and then come ask for a hug when you know you need to calm down. I know I need to teach you the balance. I know we are far from it right now. We have to look into doing that without killing that spirit that makes you want to take out every single plate and bowl in the house and kiss it just because you’re in the mood.
Kissing stuff randomly is fun. Wouldn’t want that to be a thing you stop doing, even if that means every single dish has to be washed.
You know why I started writing this; it was because you told me that you wanted to lie down next to me. I asked you if you were done. Time to play so that I could get back to work. You responded with “I am your most important work, ill pay you in hugs and kisses.” I know it sounds adorable when you hear it, but when a child won’t leave your room and you have deadlines, not so much. You want me to yourself. Im realizing we need boundaries. Im realizing you need to understand that I’m always here for you but you need to start seeing me as an individual. I think that’s why sometimes I don’t like you. You are inching into my existence. You want to take over my life. That’s not your fault however, at some point in your life I gave you the message that that was how it was supposed to be. No more mister. There is a whole world for you with me in it. I shouldn’t be your whole world though.
Where do we start? Let’s see, let’s start with my whole life being about watching the two of you sleep while I rush to finish this because the list of very important work I need to do in the morning is not more important than the cuddles you’re going to ask for super super early in the morning.
No. Let’s start with you bringing me down to my knees for your useless tasks. Yes, I think that’s a better place. I’ll take the cuddles for a little while longer.