“That’s not what you do to people,” I couldn’t do it anymore. I gave in and, opened the door. Took him in my arms, and asked him what he meant. “That’s not what we are supposed to do to people?” “No.” He repeated. “That’s not what YOU do to people. You’re a kind person mama.”
Okay so a little context. First of all my little boy is a huge drama queen. We were all having dinner. I made them their favorite meal. Pizza. He decided to cry about one thing or another. Kept getting off his chair. Finding reasons to fuss. I just couldn’t deal so I left him, and his brother with their dad, and came up to my room, and locked the door. I thought I was super discreet but I never am of course. He followed me and started banging on the door. I told him, I’m doing something important, as soon as I’m done I’ll open the door. He had been clingy and fussy all day I just needed a few minutes to myself.
That’s when these words came. He started crying and sobbing. I never lock my door usually. Only when I’m changing and/or showering. Even then I tell them what I’m doing, and they know I’ll open it right after. This time he didn’t know when I’ll open it. The uncertainty freaked him out.
I didn’t understand because his brother and father were with him. Also, I’m not kind. I’m more strict than their father. I have more rules. Even he gets in trouble for not following them. I don’t think it was about any of that. I think it was about me being his constant. My room and I are his always available. We don’t go away ever. The door never gets locked. When he cries he always comes to me, and I took that away. When he is sad he runs to my bed saying, “nobody touch me.” The day his father took his brother to the doctor’s the only thing he wanted to know if I was staying home with him. He didn’t insist on going with them he wanted to stay with me.
So when I locked the door with me on the other side I took his constants. Both of us. I’m not supposed to do that to him. In his tiny little mind I’m always supposed to be here. That’s my purpose. That’s what I’m here for. If not this, then what? And he’s kind of right. The world that he lives in, it does revolve around him. Him and his brother.
I guess he is right. Moms don’t do such things. Moms don’t take breaks. They don’t hide from their children and eat fancy chocolate. They don’t say that they’re showering and then watch two hours of Netflix.
No, mom’s always want to be with their kids. Because when they say there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, they really really mean it. All. The. Time.